I Made My Parents Eat The Food From Guy Fieri's New Ghost Kitchen

There are two new residents of Flavortown, baby!

One of the silver linings of being under quarantine for nearly a year has been the chance to find new hobbies and unearth some passions that otherwise wouldn’t have seen the light of day. For me, that has involved becoming a devoted member of “Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives” nation and realizing I would gladly take a bullet for Guy Fieri and his sons Hunter and Ryder.

Pre-pandemic, I always found Guy Fieri to be the embodiment of a Tommy Bahama store in an outlet mall. I understand what’s happening, but it’s not for me, so please keep it away from me and my family. Now, however, Flavortown is my zip code and I put potato chips on all my sandwiches.

So when I found out that my king was opening a series of ghost kitchens across the country, I knew the heat was on. As a longtime vegan (thank you, standing ovation!), I wouldn’t be able to taste the food myself. So, I did the next best thing: I ordered a bunch of trash and forced my parents to eat it.

As with most things Fieri, getting the food was an adventure. I ordered everything to be delivered at 4:30 pm, then at 4:32 I received a notification that my order had been canceled because the driver couldn’t find the restaurant. Next up, a second delivery driver was not allowed to pick up the food because the order had been canceled by the first delivery driver and, therefore, my Flavortown food was in purgatory. Just like Guy’s desire to wear sunglasses on the back of his head, I persisted. A third driver was allowed access to the food, completed the delivery and the journey to Flavortown was officially on.

We’re rollin’ out.

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Seeing my name so close to Guy’s is literally erotic.

Have you ever seen something so beautiful? The elegance, the splendor, the logo that says “Don’t Tread On Sauce.” I love America and I love being an American.

Fried Pickles and Ranch

I put the fried pickles on a plate because I have class. My dear mother, who has been known to say things like “fried pickles are my favorite food,” immediately spit out her first bite and said “these are disgusting.” My dad plopped one in his mouth and had the same reaction. Here I go disappointing my parents again.

Now, some consideration needs to be given to the fact that these traveled and had to be re-heated. These weren’t the pickles at their peak performance. Say that five times fast! Eat your heart out, Peter Piper!

But still…a rough first stop in Flavortown.

Jalapeño Pig Poppers - Bacon-wrapped, fire-roasted jalapeños, stuffed with andouille, pimento cream cheese, glazed in Bourbon Brown Sugar BBQ Sauce

Jalapeño Pig Poppers is the most disgusting phrase I’ve ever read and whoever wrote this menu needs to be sent to prison.

Crimes and misdemeanors aside, these pig poppers received raves from the two pigs who popped me out. It was a surprise, frankly, because they looked like mutilated, detached fingers. But, lo and behold, things like “spicy, but good!” and “very yummy” were thrown said.

Like a phoenix from bleached-blonde ashes, Fieri rises.

Buffalo Wings - Guy’s signature buffalo sauce, blue-sabi (blue cheese and wasabi) dipping sauce

Much like my mother’s affinity for fried pickles, my dad has been known to get murderous over chicken wings and I do believe there are bodies in our backyard.

Needless to say, I was pretty convinced that these would underwhelm, especially after they were forced to be reheated next to the God-forsaken pickles, as you’ll see here:

Simply love taking photos of fried food in Portrait mode. Annie Leibovitz found dead.

Against all odds, however, the wings managed to blow every expectation out of the water. My dad devoured these like some kind of heathen, calling them “some of the best wings I’ve ever had,” which either means these wings are absolutely unbelievable or my father’s sense of taste has started to betray him. Whatever the case, these little guys received overwhelming praise from both test food subjects. Shocking.

The Flavortown express has firmly found its way back on the tracks.

Bacon Mac N’ Cheese Burger - 80/20 ground beef, SMC, mac n cheese, bacon, LTOP, crispy onions, Donkey sauce, garlic buttered brioche

First of all, we all know that Donkey sauce sounds like what Guy calls his ejaculate and it shouldn’t be anywhere near a food description. I’m sickened, I’m hurt, I’m confused.

According to Internet search engine Google, “SMC” means “super melty cheese” and I cannot stress enough how unacceptable that is.

Moving on. This burger, in many ways, perfectly encapsulates what makes Guy Fieri so fascinating. It’s completely over-the-top, a little messy, undeniably gluttonous, unapologetically American and yet…it works? I expected this thing to be a disaster, but to my surprise, it mostly held together and elicited incredible enthusiasm.

I mean, look at this happy man with this happy burger in his happy hands.

Putting macaroni and cheese on a hamburger should not work because macaroni is pasta and pasta belongs in a bowl. I know this from watching approximately 7,239 episodes of “Giada At Home.”

GUY STAYS WINNING.

Cheesecake Challenge - NY-style cheesecake topped with salted potato chips, crushed pretzels and fudge sauce

“Stressed is desserts spelled backwards” is both a phrase that white women are determined to put on every piece of reclaimed wood in the world and also makes absolutely no goddamn sense. What am I supposed to do with this information? Repaid is diaper spelled backwards. Am I supposed to want to eat a diaper? Dessert culture is ruining our communities. However, no trip to Flavortown is complete without something sweet.

Ignoring the fact that this plate does look like a diaper was smeared on it, we come to the final course. These pretzels are not crushed and I want my money back. Sigh.

It’s astonishing how exciting it is to see snacks smushed onto a piece of cake when you’re not expecting it. I once spent approximately a month putting together an unbelievable gift for my parents’ 30th wedding anniversary, but their reaction to that paled in comparison to seeing some Ruffles sticking out of this piece of cheesecake.

I have to admit that this cake, while having the appearance of something a nine-year-old would make if their babysitter fell asleep, looked fucking great. And guess what? Apparently it was! It was gone in about 35 seconds, even after all the filth that came before it. I think a dessert like this is tough to really screw up, but my god if Mr. and Mrs. Trainor didn’t love this, too.

You’re often told not to meet your heroes. Don’t get too close, they say. You’ll be disappointed. Let me tell you something. My family took a trip to Flavortown and we’re buying property. I’ll admit that I doubted Guy Fieri, and initially my fears were founded. Getting the food was a journey, the fried pickles were fried shit, but god dammit if this Affliction shirt come to life didn’t prove me wrong and give my parents the night of their lives.

Thank you, Guy. For everything.

❤️